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Bangkok Monday Hash House Harriers
Running and drinking beer since 1982. Website last updated: 22/03/07
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Run:- 1251 Date:- 12 March 2007.
Location:- Wat Thewa Sunthorn, Bang Khen
Hares:- Vinai, Stumbles and Pitak
Scribe:- ?Happy 25th Anniversary BMH3!
25 years. One quarter of a century. The half-life of a Hostess Twinkie. The average length of the first UK marriage of a BMH3 Hasher. Average age of second spouse of a BMH3 Hasher. The total amount of time a BMH3 Harriette will be drunk in her lifetime. The total amount of time a BMH3 Hound will be sober in his lifetime.
This is another amazing feat in "Amazing Thailand". To think that for 25 years this group could conspire to assemble once per week and unite in the spirit of brotherhood and sisterhood and endorphins and zimurgy and group psychosis...it boggles the half-mind.
Wat Thewa Sunthorn hadn't changed much over the past 25 years according to those who were there for that first Monday Hash. And the local school, while sporting a few extra floors, was also relatively unchanged. Some of the teachers on hand that first time were still hanging around the classrooms, and several ventured out to see the latest crop of Hashing miscreants. Three of the lovely ladies immediately recognized Pisstak, Stumbles, and Oversexed - by name, of course - and in a state of shock, organized group photos. Then all the pain, frustration, and rage came flooding back, and they summoned the local constabulatory. They were hoping to prevent a repeat of the sordid spectacle all those years ago, but when they arrived, the boys in brown only cruised through the circle, 3-up on a motorbike, flashing toothy grins. The sight of exhausted, aging, hobbled, embittered, paranoid, cheese-eating black-shirts standing around pointing their fingers and laughing at even sorrier specimens apparently wasn't sufficient to invoke a Rodney King response, so the teachers were once again left unsatisfied.
Prior to the release of the Hounds, the GM opened the back of his steathy Laagerwagen and dispensed many rounds of his mysterious "amber liquid". And what a magical elixer the stuff is, offering up a variety of curative and restorative properties. Several in the crowd are seen to perform heroic feets of strength and stamina after consuming a glass of the potion. Others demonstrate vastly increased mental powers and perspecuity, with one reedy fellow claiming that he is the "strongest, smartest man in the world, all-knowing and unconquerable." We really must convince the GM to bring more of his amber liquid, or "Food of the Gods", as it came to be known amongst the throng that assembled on the alcohol-free school grounds on the alcohol-free wat property.
Then, at the precise moment, 25 years to the second after that first fateful Bangkok Monday Hash in 1982, the pack is off. Like lightning, the FRBs streak down the soi, quickly sniffing out the original trail, as incredibly the paper from that first run is still intact! Ah yes, in 1982, the environmental movement hadn't yet caught on, and it's soon revealed that the "paper" used to lay that trail was in fact uranium mill tailings from the one of Bullitt's failed mega-projects. Back then, the Hash was a convenient way to dispose of nuclear waste. So we have bright glowing pink paper to guide our way!
Now in the intervening years, Bangkok has changed a little bit. Not a lot, but it has changed. For example, back in 1982, there was a military elite running the town. In 2007, the government is democratically elected. And this government has seen fit to improve the municipal infrastructure. So while those first Monday Hashers had to cope with traffic, motorcycles, cats & dogs, heat, smog, clotheslines, narrow footpaths...nowadays, we never even see a cat. Some of the trail has changed too, according to Pisstak and Stumbles. The last check on the inaugural run led to a cock-fighting ring. The last check on today's run led to what appears to be a pig racing track. Maybe it's inevitable that some of the exotic glamour of Bangkok gets swallowed up by progress. So, try as they might to turn back the clock, the Hares are forced to confront their mortality, and they lead us down the mean streets that now cover the old fields around the wat. It's still a nice trail, even after all these years. Another thing we have now that they didn't way back when is GPS, and we've no shortage of experts who volunteer an incredible range of wildly inaccurate distance measurements for the run.
But one thing never changes: the neighborhood residents still think people who wear white socks when they're running are sartorially challenged. And this neighborhood is quite lively, with hundreds of people lining the trail. At times, it feels like we're running in mini-marathon, the streets are so full. People are handing out water, candy, bananas. One fellow shoves into my hand a glass full of a substance similar to the GM's amber liquid. We barge our way through at least three soccer games, a takraw match, and the aformentioned pig race. The checks are effectively placed and almost the entire pack comes in as a group. Well done to the Hares!
Before the circle starts, klaxons sound a warning and a huge stream of 25th Anniversary T-Shirts flow over the tarmac. Phinoccio has designed a garment for the ages and several Hashers are trampled to death in the rush to obtain one of the prizes.
With revelers milling about in a tight space bissected by a two lane highway, the circle morphed into a ethanollipsoid featuring several extended psuedopods. As this was hyped as an auspicious occasion, the event was well attended with at least 60 barflys swarming the steaming nosh pile. Numerous heroes are honored and offenders were punished. Hares Pisstak and Stumbles and long-time degenerate Oversexed get the old-farts award for being on that first Monday run 25 years ago ( along with possibly another Hasher who should be mentioned here) Die hard Hare Pisstak is feted for attaining 900 Monday runs and he must be one of the most hard-core Hashers in the world, as his Monday total is just a fraction of his total. How many Hashes can the average human liver withstand? Many Pisstak will provide the answer. Joost "Hashedale" Swager is up to 200 runs and Kim "Normal" Chaubert reached the ton. Auto racing metaphors aside, a whole slew of - possibly ten - get-a-lifers were honored for collectively attending over 4600 runs. I think I saw Pisstak, Frank "Noriega" allum, John "Tinker" Lukens, Bob "Bullitt" Bolter, Todd "Spinning Dwarf" Wilkie, Tim "Crash" Daly, Tim "Joylide" Wienands, Peter "Maverick" Laverick in the lineup. (Apologies to those I left out - let me know and I will correct this important historical document!) Alas, experience is no guarantor of class, and another psuedopod formed amongst this group, apparently some sort of circle-jerk centered around Joylide.
Now at this point, you're thinking to yourself, "How long is this self-inflated windbag going to drone on and on and on about events that he cannot possibly have remembered, even if he had been there to witness them?" Well let me tell you...
Ok, at this point in the circle, we haven't even reached the RAs' drunken ranting. The above is merely a recollection of the GM's and Hash Cash's administrative bulls**t. And there was more, possibly another 15 hours or so. It was like a Jesse Helms filibuster. Pisstak left...did another 732 Bangok Hashes...came back...and Spinning Dwarf was still up there with his journal in hand, squinting into the dusty pages, delivering obscure factoids of Monday Hash lore in a thunderous bass-profundo: "...and in 1364, Tinker brokered a deal with the Cham. He secured rights-of-passage for the Monday Hash to navigate the swirling waters of the..."
Thankfully, all purpose RA Ajarn Kee Mao keeps a Webley service revolver in his skirt pocket for this sort of occasion and he put a thumb-sized slug into the "Hash Mug" of Spinning Dwarf. While he wasn't completely silenced, Hash Cash was suitably distracted by the copius amounts of piss leaking from his mug and spilling on his bright orange pantaloons, enough so that he retreated into the confines of his womb-like inner sanctum of Hash arcana.
What happens when a liberator replaces a despot? You get another despot cloaked in the aura of respectability. You get Ajarn Kee Mao. Did you know that in 1982, Bette Davis had the top-rated song on the Billboard Hot 100? Did you know that in 1982 that big fat actor Chris Farley croaked when he ate two Mentos and drank six ounces of Coke. Or was it John Candy who drank two ounces of...?
The circle is getting hazy now, a foggy dimensionless void. It's all Captain Erik's fault. He just sits over there...in his chair...by the piss table...like some malevolent troll. He's mocking me, flaunting his power, compelling me to drink more and more and more. I can see him now, laughing maniacally. "...haahaahaa...faster...haahaahaa...more...drink...haahaahaa...drink...faster...FASTER!"
RA Noriega is possibly more evil than AKM (but he's still not as evil as Spinning Dwarf - do not leave the Hash with any of these "philanthropists"). New Boot Sego had been standing next to us in the circle, generally making herself useful. Next thing you know, Frank comes into the circle and immediately installs single, unattached Sego into his little vanilla harem. She falls under his spell and pledges her undying loyalty for the next 25 years. One moment, she's keeping our mugs topped up, the next moment she's on her knees kissing tasseled loafers. No wonder the rest of us don't have any chance of meeting a Western female!
By now, the drugs have taken effect and nominees for POW are piling up faster than Pisstak's Hash T-shirt collection. So many of these people, my friends, are downright crazy, it's almost impossible to elevate just one to POW status. But at the last moment, Joylide does something wrong and pulls off an unexpected victory.
Completing the theme, the On On On took us back to the original restaurant from the first run. The band from that first run was still on stage and they were playing that Bette Davis song about meat eaters. Our section of the restaurant had two tiers and a scramble ensued to secure a seat in the elevated VIP section. But those of us in steerage had the better of the menu, gourging ourselves on enormous snakeheads. The Pink Panther put the moves on so many of the waitresses that he was awarded not a pedestrian Snakehead award but the rarely bestowed "Three Snakehead" award. No wonder the rest of us don't have any chance of meeting a Thai female!
The rest of the night is whiled away with friends. I've never been witness to so many bottles of wine and "beer", which is most pleasingly similar to the GM's mysterious amber liquid. The usual suspects hang around the place until the wee hours, disrupting the study habits of hard-working students who show us great hospitality. Is it a wonder that Johnny can't reed? And for some people, getting kicked out of one establishment just isn't enough, so like moths to a flame, the usual suspects make their ill-fated spiral into the Bangkok twilight.
***
On Monday 12 March we celebrated 25 years of Monday hashing. We had 42 Harriers, 16 Harriettes, 1 new boot and 5 visitors, total = 64. Returners included Tom "Man Called Horse" Sorenson, "Flying" Finn Sorenson, Dave "Hobbit" Cobbett, Chris "Bushman" Schulz, Thitaya Lukens, Malinee "Nibbles" Kanchanapop, Kim "Normal" Chaubert, "Wicked" Willy Beider-Neilsen, Chris "Bushman" Schulz, Jeffrey "Do Not Remember" Wachtel, Paul "Tambourine Man" Williams, Vinai "Oversexed" Seesar, Marco "Phinoccio" Foltran, and Stefan "Wet Dream 2" Cassel. Welcome to New Boot Sego Dherlincourt.
